Chapter 1. The Start of an End

So today marks the countdown to my last days with Lucifer. As a friend put it, It’s been a long time coming.

Finally, I’m starting to break out of these shackles I’ve been on in for the last 3 years. Yes, read it right! 3 years with my none other than Satan-came-to-the-world-to-wreck-havoc-and-misery-to-humankind boss. Needless to say, I hate him, and he hates me back. So I guess, there’s one thing we definitely agree on.

The day started out as always, me waking up to the sound of my rooster alarm clock, me embracing my multiple personality disorder by arguing if I should get up or call in sick, and deciding otherwise, haggling again with myself if I could perhaps come in late. But today, my society-thinks-the-better half of me won over the delinquent-useless-depressed-burnt out me. 8am I was in the office, working on some final touches on my presentation that day, which I intentionally forgot to finish yesterday as a sign of protest for the hours of insult I received that day. By 8.30am, whole office began filling up even as the Daily prayer went on which signaled the start of a workday. For most of us at least, for us, it’s the start of our 8-hr encounter with the devil himself, 8-hr at least.

First hour starts out with our Daily huddle, which means at least 5 minute update, 30 minutes re-establishment of THE group vision albeit a little different each time, an hour of fault finding, and insults, which I may add seems to have no time limit. Today was no different (It’s only different whenever he is not around). I was again the centerpiece of his creation, telling me how I should come over to him to discuss items with him so he never has to disapprove everything that goes on his table. NOT. Unexpectedly, his daily dose had some special ingredient today, he praised and applauded two of our new colleagues because of a job well done because they always came to him for advice, calling them ignorant-no good-kids but magically turned perfect with the wave of his hand. Translation: I do not need you to think, I need you to do what I think.

Issue No 1: He does not need employees who could think for themselves, he needs extensions of his arms and god-knows-what-else. He needs pawns and soldiers, not tacticians, not strategists. Do not think. Just follow orders. 

How can I be okay with that? But yes, I get the point. So I just had to bear with it, get this daily grind over with so I could do my job. Only that my presentation is next on my daily calendar and he would still be with me. I got on it just fine. And there, as expected comes the blow. Talking to another, knowing I could clearly hear them, he drops the bomb. “This would not have finished had you not called to follow up and I sat with it” Isnt it obvious? 1. YOU are the approving authority so I guess of course, strategies will be finished if you step forward. 2. No one actually wants to talk to you and wouldn’t do so until the last minute and 3. People hate you.

Then time for lunch. We decided to take a breather and have lunch on one of the two fancier restaurants in the building, and the deal breaker on which one? That, where Lucifer was not on. Cut us some slack, will you?

Afternoon, he had a meeting until 5 pm. In between, he called me up to finish something which we both knew was not yet well established as communications and consultations are still to be made, but I indulged him, because in my head, I did not want any drama or so I thought. I should’ve known better, drama is what gets him off. So drama it is. Another round and he got his 2nd orgasm of the day. Now, my turn.

I gave him my pre-resignation teaser. Idea is breaking in with a soft blow. Give him time to think. Get him to ask around. Let him wallow in his own idea of self-righteousness. Eight months from now, I will be going on a Masters degree on full on-board scholarship in an international university for a year and a half. Unexpected, I said since I did not have the best grades in college. Just some luck I guess (after all, no one is good enough but him – that’s me trying to feed his ego). Told him what was covered, what my course was about, and being him him. He ought compelled to have the last words, gave some piece of advice, and while at it, I saw a hint that it finally hit him. This was my way out, end of my labyrinth, the start of a countdown. He sounded supportive though, why would he not be if he could get rid of me in the best possible way? Good for his ego, good for public perception. Perhaps, I’m letting him out so easily but I no longer care. I believe THAT quote where being happy and successful is the best revenge. I think I won this round, and on an advantage really. After all, I am on a track he can only dream of having, talk about possibilities and opportunities! And thus begins my last days with Lucifer.

Just My SayonaRa

There will be no next time

No more promise of tomorrow

Only calls unanswered

Only messages unread

Only invites rescinded

No more attempts
To salvage what was had

The Hunt for Promethea

“You corrupted me,” he said.

“We corrupted each other.” she said.

Our drama is that we live in a state of mutual invasion.

-The Book of Promethea, Helene Cixous

With the advent of technology and internet comes with an almost certain availability of everything. I find you elusive, you are the “almost” in that statement. Two months, and a self-professed internet savvy still cannot find a pirated copy of you. Oh, how you leave me wanting and longing for your promise of wit, seduction, and wisdom with your wordplay. Oh, how you keep me hanging, and hang on I will, I’m afraid. Til I find you. Til I read you. Til I get consumed by you.

Of Narcotics and the Absence, Thereof

I feel like cutting my wrists for feeling so out of control. I feel like slashing your throat for making me feel like this.

But at the same time, I want to run my fingers through your hair and trace the lines on your face with my fingertips and see your smile – that awkward smile you wear when you’re talking about something you’re deeply passionate about, not the kind you share to the world on photographs. Oh, how you leave me breathless.

And almost instantly, I’d want you out of my life. I wish to turn back to that moment just before we met, before we locked our eyes and gazed into that world of what-might-have-beens. So that, I could, perhaps look the other way instead, and stop you from existing, to stop you from taking over. But then I also wonder at how life could have turned out without you in the equation, and I’d spend futile countless hours trying to convince myself that it would have been better were it so. Oh, such a lost cause.

Looking back, how could such conversations linger, irritatingly cutting through my thoughts without warning, long after they’ve been shared? Long after they’ve been finished? Long after they should have been forgotten? Feels like I’m an addict on a rehab. And this is just what it is, a withdrawal syndrome. Nothing more.

Ruins

And if I kiss you

It shall be a kiss goodbye

A perfect ending

For a beautiful tragedy

Among Other Things

Always I have fought
time and again
against my instinct.
As if having to declare
thoughts opposing it
would render it less real
or counter its eventuality.
And I learned it was, is,
and will always be futile.
But still i oblige myself.

Every time.

Among other things.

Disclaimer

I am writing after a four year hiatus not because I want refuge for a broken heart, but because for the first time in a long while, I wish to remember, to not forget, how it is to have one.

Distractions

One day you decided to get rid of yours

And I with them.

Letters

August 22, 2009

Dearest,

It is not without anxiety that I write this thing. I feel as though my whole being would break down any moment, if i do not do as i am doing now. It is with hope that somehow you do not come across this letter, for i fear that if you do, you would realize it is you. But yes.. i doubt if you would.

I have always been running away from you, determined never to turn back. So afraid that if I do, I might not see you at all – that for the longest time, I have been running away from somebody who is also running away from me…

…

I can’t continue, I am still afraid. Someday, I would finish this letter I know. And someday, i would have enough courage to admit defeat, and enough strength to stop running and for once, look back.

October 31, 2009

Dearest,

I cannot forever run away from you. I do not wish to forget you; it is impossible. What i wish to do right now instead, because it is the most sensible thing to do, is let go of everything… everything about you. I cannot forever hold on to something that’s almost next to nothing. I am sorry for dragging you into this; i know you never liked commitments, and I am sorry I find security and peace in them.

I already forgot what IS and what ISN’T; I am confused, and I am not ashamed to admit it. Little by little, I am letting go of what’s left of you in me; little by little, yes, but still… it is a feat, every inch of you gone is a feat for me.  

 

 

*i know someday… when every inch of you is gone, when every laugh and breath is nothing but a beautiful memory, when i become whole again… i will finish this.

November 16, 2009

Dearest, 

 

I lost it just as I have lost you.

It must have been bound to get lost in one way or another, yet nevertheless, I thought I could at least keep it, but damn, it is nowhere to be found. Isn’t it funny that I lost it because of my desperate desire to keep it? I was so afraid that i tucked it away neatly, safely that I couldn’t find it anymore. I looked for it. In every corner, In every box, In everything. 

 

Life surely knows how to rub salt where there is wound. Could it be that I lost you too, because I so much wanted to keep you? Did I suck in all the air and left nothing for you? Have I become a clinging vine, too heavy a burden to you? When did it become so wrong to care?  

 

Looking at the bright side of things, at least there is no longer THAT note to bring back memories, perhaps to help me forget.

 

*i’ll try not to look for it again, but if and when IT finds its way to me again, I would keep it for old time’s sake…still.

October 18, 2014

Dearest,

The note found its way to me again. Five years ago, I said I would keep it for old time’s sake. Yes, I think I would. I must admit I smiled the moment I saw it, but I felt nothing more than the joy of its discovery. That lovesick girl is now nothing but a memory.

Obligatory Yolanda post – Part I

No, I’m no damsel in distress who’d wait for someone to save me….or my family on that note.

I tried all efforts to get to Ground Zero after 4 days of not contacting my family, and with the help of my tita, I managed to get on a plane to Cebu and to Tacloban via the 1st commercial flight available. Packed just a little food, brought mostly water and medicine supplies, just in case someone is hurt. Little food, yes. Because the goal was to get my ENTIRE family out of Tacloban as soon as possible.

After several attempts of trying to leave Tacloban, and mind you, it was not an easy feat (story in another note) with a 12-man fleet under your care, but we managed to get on a truck to Catbalogan (thanks to an in-law’s family), then proceed to Allen via a van (price was on bidding, shameless opportunists), then on a boat to Matnog where we rode a bus to Manila (again, price was raised by a hundred by shameless opportunists).

YES, despite that 1-week ordeal, we are just thankful that we are intact, alive, and safe. Never mind the house, even the family pets we left behind. Because when we are faced with these challenges, we strip down to essentials, and that’s FAMILY.

Just wait, we will return when it’s safe. I hope we find our pets alive. We will not just rebuild our house, but instead, we will make it better, sturdier, just as what we have become. We will remember with gratitude all the help we have received, and forgive those who wronged us. Forgive, but never forget. We will remember piece by piece, bit by bit, you will be part of lessons learned for us, the obstacle we hurdled, the clowns in the laughs we will share.

We are a strong and happy bunch, we laugh amidst death. What more could I ask for?